Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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