We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
