Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
