Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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