Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Rumble strips road head = magical
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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