I think my fart just growled at me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
