I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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