I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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