I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
