Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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