chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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