Apparently you make a good broom.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
