Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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