I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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