Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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