don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
