Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
