just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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