Just fell off a train. Bad.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
