I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
