just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
