Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
