I just threw up on my dentist
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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