hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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