Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
