Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
