also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
