I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
