If i could tip my vagina, i would.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
