dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
