I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
