Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
