i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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