If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
pray to the hookup gods
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
