I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
