My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
