I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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