i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
