if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His nipple licking is glorious
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