one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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