He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
