Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
