I just threw up on my dentist
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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