I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
