Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
