The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
