i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
