Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
