someone get that fucking seahorse.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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