I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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