Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
