I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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