Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
