she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
