My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
