I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
