i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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