hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
