Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
