just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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