My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
