I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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