I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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