he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
